The Burden of Loving a Creative Person

The other day I had a revelation. To me it was groundbreaking. To those around me, not so much. Really it was just old news for them. And what was this "ah-ha!" moment for me, you ask? Well, ready for it?

I am possibly not an easy person to live with.

Yes, it's true. But in my defense, I'm really not trying to be difficult. As a creative person, I am literally overflowing with ideas. I get excited and want to make things happen. I see so much potential and have a hard time walking away from opportunity. And I tend to just jump in, and give 100%. There is a zone, or a groove that I get in where I am performing optimally and it is one of the best feelings in the world. Adreneline is pumping, my heart beating fast and I posess the ability to organize, plan and pull things together in a near perfect way. It is euphoric to skip from project to project, with ideas flowing, connecting people and places. What I tend to not recognize is how this fast pace of wild creative abandon feels like to those around me. While internally I am feeling blissful, the external me reads quite differently. 

Truth is, these times are a roller coaster of emotions and moods. I work to near exhaustion, push myself past my breaking point, have little patience, and can easily burst into tears. Having a conversation is very difficult because I can't just focus on one idea and everything comes out in an intense burst. There are waves of despair; when I think it all won't work out and that I've just made a series of mistakes. An hour later I am positive again - all of my previous worries forgotten. My loved ones scramble, trying to offer support, or even just figure out what the hell I'm talking about. I don't mean to make them crazy, it's just hard to remember that I'm experiencing a very different reality than them.

I wish that during these times I could see how my intensity affects my loved ones. My focus on the events and projects I am co-ordinating eclipses everything else around me and I push all other concerns aside; things like meals and kids' schedules are secondary. I know how selfish it all sounds (and is). And when it's all accomplished and I have a chance to catch my breath, I only see the sweet wonderful people around me, forgetting what I've just put them all through. Hopefully I let them know all of the ways I love them. And hopefully I remember to tell them how they inspire me. Because it is my life with them that encourages me to move mountains.

People say,"I wish I had your energy!" or "How do you do it all?" and I just shrug. It's no big deal I say. But for those special people around me, they know differently. They know the blood, sweat and tears that goes into everything that I do. And they know that each piece is me laying my heart on the line. And that is their burden to carry. The burden of loving a creative person. 

The Magic of Potential

A little over a year ago, my whole life changed. Not that this is news - I'm pretty sure the only way to avoid change is to not be alive. And I have always been open to change - while I may fear it in the abstract I tend to embrace it when it knocks on my door. I love the excitement of the unknown - a blank canvas waiting for inspiration and creation. And so it was a little over a year ago that I was wrestling with the constant questions of "What is it that I really want?" and "What direction do I go next?" Oh wait - I don't want to leave out "What does it all mean?" I devoted a lot of thought to these questions as I lived and breathed a version of myself that I couldn't come to terms with. And then my phone started ringing and I had my answer.

It was the day before a big event that I was running and I sent the first call straight to voicemail. The  call was from Margery Goldberg, owner of the Zenith Art Gallery in Washington, D.C. The Zenith is the oldest, most established gallery in the District and I had been proudly exhibiting my work there for the previous three years. Usually I would jump to answer a call from Margery, but this day I didn't want to lose focus. I figured I'd just call her back after the weekend was over. But one stands the test of time by being persistent so Margery called back a few more times and then I received a Harry Potter "howler" style email where she didn't just ask for me to contact her but demanded it. So I returned her call, and when I did she gave me almost unbelievable news.

Of course before she would tell me anything she yelled at me for sending her to voicemail. Well - and also for having a full voicemail account. Once that was out of the way she delivered her news. And I couldn't even believe what I was hearing. Somehow, without even realizing it was happening - I advanced as a semi-finalist in a huge public art installation in Washington, D.C. After a nationwide call to artists and many applicants, it was down to myself and three other artists.  The Zenith Gallery had submitted me, providing me with an awesome opportunity. I had a moment of over the moon excitement, and then Margery began firing off what was expected of me to get the job; design, proposal, references and a sample board. With a little over a month to complete everything not to mention staying on top of my current responsibilities I had a bit of a nervous break down. Was it possible? Could I do it all?

"You may not get it. Probably won't."said a less than enthusiastic friend. While a few around me had similarly less than inspiring sentiments to offer I had the total support of my husband and kiddos and truly through the weeks that followed it was their belief in me that carried me through. My  schedule seemed to have no available times to get everything done, so I began waking up at 4:30 in the morning to create work time. Many mornings the alarm would go off and my sweet husband would have to talk me into getting out of bed. He would often start the coffee for me. Sometimes I was less than appreciative of him, but I always got out of bed. And so I began to gather information and put together my design. I reached out to past clients and organizations as well as parents and children I had interacted with over the previous decade. The love and support I received from these individuals and organizations helped to fuel my early morning work sessions. And when it was time to create my sample board I contacted two of the most creative people I'd ever worked with. It just so happened that Nathan Mullen and Ellie Kilmon were high school students - while some questioned working with teenagers on something so important, I knew there were no better peeps for the task. The rest of my team was made up of Madeline Moffett and Matty Tall on the sketch, with David Grafton contributing. There were moments full of doubt and exhaustion - but every time I was ready to quit, I found another burst of energy and moved further ahead. 

The excitement of this prospective project eclipsed any other ambitions I had been considering. And it was an awesome moment when I realized that even if I didn't get the project the possibility of it had become a catalyst to answering my previously asked questions. Yes, this life full of potential is what I want. After more than a decade of this life, I keep learning that I can really do anything I set my mind to.   Undoing the self doubt I have been taught is an ongoing project - but with each passing year I can say I'm living life to my fullest potential. The importance of the company that I choose to keep was once again a lesson to learn. Theres just no room for the negative people. I find that they only stick around as long as you are doing work for them, and usually sort themselves out in the long run.

When I recieved the news that the project was mine I was overwhelmed with gratitiude. And while the project itself posed new challenges that were both exciting and frustrating, there was never a prouder professional moment than when I stood back. Now  I prepare to begin a new project I have been selected for. And I've got the best people around me, my friends and family, so I don't worry too much about the challenges that lay ahead.

You Can Stay or You Can Go

I don't believe in living a scripted life. Mindlessly going through the motions, reciting words that we think that we should say because it's the "right" sentiment to express. Passionless expression - it's so easy now - all we have to do is hit the "like" or "share" button on our FaceBooks and it almost feels like we've taken a stand. It almost feels like we've taken action. But it's a false accomplishment. 

I've not always been much better. It's hard to turn my attention to something that isn't directly affecting my world at the moment. But then it does, and along with fear and panic, comes the guilt of wishing I hadn't waited until I was drowning to pay attention.

Addiction rocked my world almost 10 years ago when I watched my loved one suffer from the disease. It tore apart my world and my dreams for my family. I had no idea how to help and felt completely lost and overwhelmed. And hurt and frustrated. Hadn't I done everything "right"? Why was this happening?" Questions that I asked over and over. I didn't understand addiction, and wasted a lot of time taking it personally. Simultaneously a close friend began to struggle. I suddenly realized that the disease of addiction was all around me, and I started to wonder why I didn't know or understand more.

A big part of the problem was, and is, the shame associated with addiction. And the shame breeds silence. A suffocating silence so stealth and lethal it prevents family and friends from asking for help - denial laced with humiliation. 

We all want to be strong, and in control. And so we don't tell the people around us when we're in trouble. I remember what shocked me the most, as I attempted to organize an intervention for my friend, was her family's response. They coldly thanked me for my concern but could I please mind my own busines. I am sad to say that my friend has never received the help needed. I continue to watch her struggle.

I look at my children and wonder what magic will protect them - I would love to bury my head in the sand and pretend I've done all the "right" things to keep them safe. But the truth is, addiction penetrates even the closest families and the sweetest children. I have openly discussed addiction with my kiddos since they were little. "Protecting" them from these truths only makes them vulnerable. I have to be mindful of my own thoughts of denial - "Kids like mine would never take such risks." But that's just not the case. And so I arm them with information and truth and pray they will know how to make smart choices and then also know how to ask for help when they need it.

We all need to wake up and look at the truths around us. We need to have open, real conversations with each other and with our children. Rolling the dice and waiting to see if this is "your" issue is the worst kind of gambling. Don't be confused - choosing to play pretend and ignore what's happening in our community and to our youth is putting your loved ones at risk. 

When Talley Wilford had me read his script "You Can Stay or You Can Go," I knew that it was important. Talley's story chronicles his real-life friendship with Matt Schilling, a great kid who had every opportunity to succeed. Sadly heroin took his young life. Since we have been promoting the project we have met and talked with families whose children were destroyed and taken by heroin. Their grief is palpable, and their only consolation is working towards educating other families. I look at the pictures of their lost children and can't help but cry. That sense of helplessness washes over me, but only for a second. Because working on this project, talking openly and honestly and creating solutions is the anecdote to the struggle our community faces. Our picturesque small towns do not protect our families. This epidemic is in our back yard. 

Don't make excuses, take action now. Be a part of the solution. If nothing else, support the people who are. 

Click on the link and give what you can and help us do this important work.

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/896538845/you-can-stay-or-you-can-go-a-feature-film

Doing the Whole Thing Differently

Things used to be a whole lot easier during the holidays - producing Christmas wonder in the kiddos meant a trip to the local toy store and maybe a few online additions. Christmas morning they would stand in front of the tree amazed at the many boxes wrapped in beautiful paper. Inside were building toys, books, and games that we would all play with together.

Fast forward a few years.

Electronics are everywhere in our world. At any given time there are laptops, I-Phones, and  I-Pads scattered all around our house. These days there's always a brand new piece of must have technology - at the cost of several hundred dollars. I am resentful of it all as it steals little pieces of our time together - of course I can't imagine trying to do all of the things that we do without modern conveniences. We're always trying to create a balance.

As we contemplated gifts for the kids this year we decided to forgo the giving of many "things." After all - they have so much - and the one thing we are always wishing for is more time together. It's what they ask for - time to talk, time to 

play games, time to just be together. This year, along with our traditional giving of footy pajamas, they would all four open packages containing itineraries of a family road trip we planned. There will be time to relax, play games, and talk as well as have a few adventures.

We were completely confident about this gift up until a few days before Christmas - then we started to wonder, "Will they be disappointed?" "Was this a bad idea?" We just didn't know what to think.

Then the time to open gifts was upon us - we saved the kids' until the very last. And as one by one they opened their gifts we saw big smiles and excitement - and we knew we'd done a good job. "We're going on a road trip!!" "This is so awesome!" Hearing the kids' enthusiasm was music to our ears.

I am now writing this while in the car at the 8th hour of our 15 hour road trip. We've already had a good time - we honk the horn every time we pass through a new state and half of us are still wearing footy pajamas. We have some of our favorite games packed - chess, Monopoly, Connect Four and a new one, Betrayal of the House on the Hill. It's a good feeling to know we're just going to be together for the next few days. It's a relief not to have bought a bunch of "stuff" - most of which would have been forgotten after a short while. As the kids get older and time moves faster and faster I'm thinking that the best gifts we can give them are knowledge of the bigger world,experiences, and time together to just be.

Brookland, DC sample board.

The sample board for my Brookland, DC installation!

"The Locals"